Hello, Buzzfeed! The Maddest List of Lists for March Madness

From Cal Poly to Calipari, from Shaka to the Shockers, from Milwaukee (the school) to Milwaukee (a tournament site), March Madness is about to tip off. So join us as we BuzzFeed the hell out of this year’s tournament field.

Five Best Players You Do Know

1. Doug McDermott, Creighton

2. Andrew Wiggins, Kansas

3. Jabari Parker, Duke

4. Russ Smith, Louisville

5. Shabazz Napier, Connecticut

Five Best Arcane Nicknames

1. Great Danes               Albany

2. Billikens                     St. Louis

3. Ragin’ Cajuns             Louisiana Lafayette (extra point for the apostrophe)

4. Shockers                   Wichita State

5. Chanticleers               Coastal Carolina

Five Coaches Most Likely to Suffer a Cardiac Event

1. Mick Cronin, Cincinnati

2. Gregg Marshall, Wichita State

3. Phil Martelli, St. Joseph’s

4. Mike Krzyzewski, Duke (No one has been this agitated over a pen since Jack Klompas on Seinfeld.)

5. Jim Boeheim, Syracuse (You can leave your coat on.)

Five Best Tournament Locales

1. San Diego

2. Orlando

3. San Antonio

4. New York

5. Spokane

If Commentators Were Paid Per Reference to a Player

1. Aaron Craft, Ohio State

2. Nik Stauskas, Michigan

3. “Russdiculous” Smith, Louisville

4. Marcus Smart, Oklahoma State

5. Jabari Parker, Duke

Five Most Applicable True Detective Quotes

1. “In the end…they welcomed it.” — No. 16 Cal Poly-SLO, meeting No. 1 Wichita State

2. “A man’s game charges a man’s price. Take that away from this, if nothing else.” —Patric Young, Florida

3. “You got demons, little man. And I don’t like your face. Makes me want to do things to it.” — Nik Stauskas, Michigan

4. “What good is cake if you can’t eat it?” —Rick Pitino, Louisville

5. “On my days off, I start drinking at noon. You don’t get to interrupt that.” —Bill Raftery, CBS

Six Reasons to Love the Central Time Zone

1. Wichita State: 34–0

2. Stephen F. Austin: 28 straight wins

3. Creighton: Doug McDermott

4. Wisconsin: Bo Ryan

5. Nebraska: Seeking first NCAA tournament win

6. North Dakota State: Forward Marshall Bjorklund minoring in weed sciences

Eight TV Shows and Who They’d Root For

1. Breaking Bad                              New Mexico

2. How I Met Your Mother                Manhattan

3. True Detective                             Louisiana-Lafayette

4. House of Cards                            Louisville

5. The Americans                           American

6. Orange Is the New Black             Syracuse

7. Arrested Development         Tennessee

8. The Walking Dead              Mercer

Five Best Players You May Not Know

1. Bryce Cotton, Providence

2. Jordan Bachynski, Arizona State

3. T.J. Warren, North Carolina State

4. Sean Kilpatrick, Cincinnati

5. Jeremy Ingram, North Carolina Central

Knight Moves: Five Coaches With Ties to Bob Knight

1. Mike Krzyzewski, Duke: played for him

2. Steve Alford, UCLA: played for him

3. Tommy Amaker, Harvard: played for Coach K

4. Johnny Dawkins, Stanford: played for Coach K

5. Jim Crews, St. Louis: played for and coached under Knight

Five Most Popular Upset Picks

1. No. 11 Tennessee over No. 6 UMass

2. No. 12 Stephen F. Austin over No. 5 VCU

3. No. 12 N.C. State over No. 5 St. Louis

4. No. 10 Arizona State over No. 7 Texas

5. No. 12 North Dakota State over No. 5 Oklahoma

All “Eh”-mericans: Six Most Intriguing Canadians

1. Sim Bhullar, New Mexico State: At 7' 5", tallest player in tournament

2. Andrew Wiggins, Kansas: Possible No. 1 overall pick in next NBA draft

3. Nik Stauskas, Michigan: Easily most annoying to opposing fans

4. Jordan Bachynski, Arizona State: 7' 2" center leads nation in blocked shots

5. Tyler Ennis, Syracuse: frosh point guard among nation’s best

6. Kevin Pangos, Gonzaga: Zags’ top player when healthy

Put a Ring on It: Coaches With Multiple Championships in Tourney

1. Mike Krzyzewski, Duke: 4

2. Roy Williams, North Carolina: 2

3. Billy Donovan, Florida: 2

4. Rick Pitino, Louisville: 2

Five Worst Tournament Locales

1. Dayton

2. Buffalo

3. Dayton

4. Buffalo

5. (Tie) Dayton/Buffalo

Five Players Most Like Radiohead Songs

1. “Paranoid Android”                      Marcus Smart, Oklahoma State

2. “Kid A”                                      Aaron Craft, Ohio State

3. “You and Whose Army?”             Doug McDermott, Creighton

4. “Scatterbrain”                             Any freshman who plays for Kentucky

5. “How to Disappear Completely”    Marshall Henderson, Mississippi

Kevin C. Cox/GettySix Van Wilder Schools (to spend the best seven years of your life)

1. Arizona State

2. Wisconsin

3. Florida

4. Colorado

5. Arizona

6. Texas

Six Long-Time D-I Schools That Have Fewer Tourney Appearances (and Wins) than Cal Poly-San Luis Obispo

1. Army

2. The Citadel

3. Maine

4. Northwestern

5. St. Francis Brooklyn

6. William and Mary

Five Reasons Not to Root for Stanford

1. The punk who invented SnapChat

2. Tiger Woods hasn’t won a major since 2008

3. Condi Rice won’t let you audit her class

4. Jim Harbaugh

5. John McEnroe hasn’t won a major since 1984

Three States That Have Never Been Represented in NCAA Tourney

1. Alaska

2. Maine

3. Calm

Five Best Voices in College Hoops You Won’t Be Hearing

1. Jay Bilas (ESPN)

2. Dan Dakich (ESPN)

3. Gus Johnson (Fox)

4. Bill Walton (ESPN)

5. Brent Musburger (ESPN)

Five Schools Whose Cities Are Second-Round Venues, and Who Won’t Be Playing There

1. Gonzaga                          Spokane

2. San Diego State                San Diego

3. St. Louis                          St. Louis

4. North Carolina State          Raleigh

5. Milwaukee                       Milwaukee

Fredo Award: Five Things That Are Smart

1. KenPom

2. Marcus

3. Nate Silver

4. Harvard

5. Shaka

Most Well-Remembered 25th Anniversary

16th-seeded Princeton nearly upset top-seeded Georgetown

Most Likely to Win Your Office Pool

1. Madge, the receptionist

2. Rick Neuheisel

3. Your mom

4. Val, the IT guy

5. Anyone but you

Eight Schools Whose Second-Round Sites May As Well Be Home Venues

1. Arizona                      San Diego

2. UCLA                        San Diego

3. Syracuse                    Buffalo

4. Duke                         Raleigh

5. Baylor                       San Antonio

6. Florida                      Orlando

7. Kansas                      St. Louis

8. Wisconsin                 Milwaukee

Most Completely Forgotten 25th Anniversary

Siena qualifies for its first NCAA tournament appearance while playing its last nine games in empty gymnasiums due to a measles outbreak on its campus. Opposing players, coaches, officials and journalists are only permitted to participate if they bring proof of vaccination or are older than 35.