Imagining the Jeb Bush-Mitt Romney Meeting

Mitt Romney and Jeb Bush’s Utah summit has drawn plenty of attention, but, unfortunately, there will be no hidden microphones. Would that we were in the room to hear the giants of the GOP hug it out:

Jeb: Mitt, how are you? You look great, fantastic. Losing suits you!

Mitt: Why, thank you. Jeb, how’s your work for financial companies going? Sixty-one is pretty old to be working your way up the ladder. I’d already made a real fortune when I was younger than you. But enough about me: How’re your parents and your oldest brother? I forget his name.

Jeb: George. George Walker…

Mitt: Right. Shame how unpopular he was when he left.

Jeb: Maybe we should get on with it. Look, our families have never been that close, even when my grandpa was a senator from Connecticut and my dad was president. I understand that. But I think this is a great time for us to come together...

Mitt: ...behind my candidacy.

Jeb: Hold on there, Adlai.

Mitt: (Breathes deeply.) Remember, Adlai Stevenson ran against Eisenhower twice and lost by a lot. My 2016 bid would be totally different.

Jeb: Yeah, right. Sorry, let me make that William Jennings Bryan. He blew it four times. Four. You wanna be that guy?

Mitt: I’m not that “guy,” as you put it. First, he made that populist “cross of gold” speech that everyone still remembers. No one remembers mine, which is a blessing.

Jeb: True dat.

Mitt: And second, I’m in tune with my party and the country. I’m conservative but not crazy. I was right about Russia being our biggest foe, and I’m not a weepy squish when it comes to immigration. No way our party is going to nominate a presidential candidate who, with all due respect, wants to stand there in El Paso, donning a sombrero, embracing any Juan and Jose, welcoming them to America and handing them a welfare check.

Jeb: Really. Really. That’s your plan for winning 270 electoral votes? I have to make my own decision about what’s right for this country. I want to talk about how immigrants come here out of love, like I said a few months ago.

Mitt: Love. I heard when you said that, and boy, I thought I was on an episode of The Newlywed Game or Ozzie and Harriet.

Jeb: Way to go with the up-to-date pop references.

Mitt: I’m sorry, Homes, I don’t hang in Miami with Pitbull.

Jeb: Anyway, as I was saying, we’re each going to have to make a decision about what’s next for our country....

Mitt: Oh, I know what’s next, mi amigo. And it starts with M.

Jeb: J comes before M.

Mitt: All right, some people have to play little alphabet games.

Jeb: You’re the one who said M.

Mitt: In all seriousness, there must be a way that we can both run without scuffing up each other’s loafers or letting that New Jersey governor get the nomination.

Jeb: (In a Jersey accent.) “Yo, you forgot I-love-diners-but-I’m-a-Cowboys-fan New Jersey governor.” Mitt, you at least have your home state cleared. Marco Rubio may run. He’s smart. He’s nice. But it’s like having Skippy the Intern try to steal your wife—not gonna happen, but still annoying.

Jeb: Or those whack jobs, Paul and Cruz.

Mitt: Ugh. Two tacos short of a combination plate.

Jeb: You’re obsessed with immigrants. You know that, right? How about we just make it a friendly competition, keep the jabs to a minimum and see who prevails?

Mitt: That’s fine in theory, but you Bushes have a way of playing rough when it’s time. Or as Sollozzo said in The Godfather, “I am the hunted one. You think too much of me, kid. I am not that clever. I am the hunted one.”

Jeb: I know, I know. Maureen Dowd keeps comparing us to the Corleones. My brother’s peeps put a hit on John Kerry, saying he looked French, and his ads whacked him for windsurfing.

Mitt: And I did my missionary work in France, nearly got killed in an auto accident over there. You know what it’s like to be a Mormon missionary in France, trying to wean them off coffee, tobacco and wine. No, I don’t want you Bushes calling me French, smearing me with brie. Of course, France is the cat’s meow these days.

Jeb: Um, yeah. Well, let’s just try to keep it cool for now—two ex-governors, sons of political families, wanting to stake their rightful claim to the throne.

Mitt: Like Game of Thrones? Does that make you Joffrey?

Jeb: Hey, Voldemort, could you keep the peace for a minute?