Today in Tabs: #Tabcore

Today in Strange Food: Vice continues to chronicle the nation's stunt-eating superstars, following up September's Guy Who Only Eats Raw Meat with Tuesday's Guy Who Only Eats Pizza. Pizza Guy has been at it for 25 years, so Raw Meat Guy (5 years) has some catching up to do. Maybe he needs help from Ketchup Girl, who consumes 11 stone of ketchup per year. A "stone" is a common English unit of measurement. One stone per hogshead is 1.395 slugs per cubic yard, which of course is 1.9 kilograms per cubic hectoliter. So as you can see, that's a lot of ketchup! Unfortunately New York City has banned the bottomless brunch, which is going to make it a lot more difficult to get drunk enough to have sex with a Hot Pocket. "Have sex with" makes it sound so mutual and voluntary, doesn't it? Do you think the Hot Pocket was into it? Was it a diseased and unsound Hot Pocket? I'm sure it was afterward, anyway. Food blog First We Feastactually interviewed the kid so look for the answers to these and other questions you loathe yourself for even asking. Danielle Wiener-Bronner, in The Wire, suggests that ketchup-loving girl and ketchup-hating boy should get together because nothing bodes so well for a relationship as mutually incompatible food compulsions. There's apparently a whiskey shortage coming, so drink up now, especially you new moms, who can finally knock off the endless breastfeeding and have yourself an old fashioned. You earned it.

The New York Times has an ice cream scoop about the Trump Family Observer revenge-reads scandal. Seems the first guy they tried to hire to write the "smear piece" on N.Y. A.G. Eric Schneiderman was managing an ice cream store at the time, and while there's nothing at all wrong with a freelancer doing other work, and I am the last person to besmirch the noble calling of Ice Cream Purveyor, the pursuers of which are quite possibly the only people on earth who do something that can only make everyone happier, it still bodes ill to have an ice cream store manager calling out your major media property for being corrupt hacks and shills for the one of the most despicable and worthless examples of the worst American business and culture has to offer. Tweet THAT sentence, I dare you. On Wednesday Gawker posted a lot of correspondence about the piece that it FOIAed out of Schneiderman’s office. Today the Observer's public editor who, Michael Roston points out, confusingly has the same name as the Observer's regular non-public editor, responded with a lot of emails and text messages between himself and the would-be freelancer today. Real nice guy. Kurson also says that "no one has challenged any facts of the story," which might be because no one who isn't being paid to do so could possibly have bothered to read the story.

In conclusion, I think what we all really need is some Dunkin Love.

Today in Doxxing: The Times editorial board is really mad that @GSElevator lied to Kevin Roose in 2011 and has a book deal now. @GSElevator inspiration and actually-funny anonymous tweeter @CondeElevator doxxes herself at long last. Maureen O'Connorself-doxxes her sexting habits (baby carrots are involved!). People doxx their own porn preferences every day on Twitter. TechCrunch uses crowd funding to go harass the Flappy Bird developer who clearly wants to be left alone. Cool beans, guys, good journalism. British intelligence was watching your Yahoo webcam session you dirty monkey. Oldsdoxx themselves at excruciating length reminiscing about the days when SXSW was cool (Spoiler: SXSW was never cool). Kepler satellite doxxes 719 new exoplanets, and the Glasshole who claimed she was assaulted for wearing Google Glass in a SF bar swears she was not recording bar patrons against their wishes, and has video she recorded through Glass to prove it.

But Enough of That Trivial Nonsense:Alex Pareene checks in with a long Baffler article questioning the value to journalism and possibly humanity of Andrew Ross Sorkin and his Dealbook brand-empire. It's worth reading, not least for how succinctly Pareene punctures any pretensions of praiseworthiness I might harbor: "As it turned out, email lists—usually a bunch of stale links to day-old stories with just a smidgen of analysis—are a great way to reach very powerful people, who appreciate having obvious things pointed out to them while being reminded just how important and insidery they are." Did you see that? He called you powerful! That reminds me: if you'd like to sponsor Tabs, email me. If I ever manage to sell out, I'll accept my Pareene takedown with pride.

Various Cores:#normcore. #nerdcore. #albacore. #SATScore. (That last one is a hoax, btw).

Mt. Goxis officially over. Who robbed it? Lol no one knows oh well! ¯_(ツ)_/¯

Github made a text editor. Emily Matchardecided to validate the existence of the "Men's Rights Movement", in The New Republic. Lindy Westhas some advice for you, writers. Casey N. Cep on writing from photographs. The Humanitarians of Tinder. That woman in the lead photo is named "Aynsley," no one could even make this up. John Betaworkwrote a book about his namesake company, Betawork's. Ballyhoo Forbidden.

Weird Medicine: Did the Egyptian military cure Hepatitis C and AIDS? Is this billionairegetting younger? No, of course not, what are you an idiot?

Today's Headline:"In an Article, a Biden With an Eye on 2016, if Few Steps Taken"

Today's Kevin Roose:Kevin Roose on the Daily Show (You thought I was gonna go a whole issue without mentioning Kevin Roose didn't you? Lol)

~Tabs longa, vita brevis~

Today in Tabs is glad to be back in Maine, where the excesses of The Media are not so close-up and therefore seem a lot funnier. You can read the tabs on Newsweek, who are going back into print next week, and it's going to be very exciting. Or you can subscribe by email and join "the powerful" to whom I tell obvious things every day. By the way, there were a lot of new email subscribers this week, so if you just signed up in the last few days and you feel like it, hit reply and tell me how you found Tabs, because I'm sort of mystified. Glad to have you though! It seemed so dull without you here. Also it's not usually this long, I just felt guilty for taking yesterday off.