Today in Tabs: Hot Pockalypse Now

On Feb 14th, dystopian-future meat conglomerate Rancho Feeding Corporationannounced a recall of over 8 million pounds of beef that was produced without USDA inspection and that came from "diseased and unsound animals." Yesterday we learned that at least some of that meat ended up in Steak & Cheese Hot Pockets, which will now be more accurately referred to as "Lips & Cheese Hot Pockets." Reached for comment today, Rancho Feeding Corporation CEO Walter Kurtz asked "are my animals unsound?" while personally hacking an ox to death with a machete. "We must kill them. We must incinerate them. Pig after pig... cow after cow..." Kurtz continued. A spokes-entity for Hot Pockets producer Nestlé USA, itself no stranger to almost unbelievably evil corporate malfeasance, chuckled darkly and drummed his spiky armored fingers on his desk while stroking a pure white cat.

I thought the furor over McKay Coppins's Trump profile was over, but it has proven to be the tab that will not die. On Monday Trump fired Sam Nunberg, the aide who recommended he agree to the profile and a man so inept he reportedly called the piece "fantastic" on first reading it. Granted, it is fantastic, but it should probably not have appeared so to Nunberg. Then Trump went on a rampage, first planting a lot of ridiculously transparent lies in Breitbart, which is the Dagobah of right-wing fever swamps, then taking to Twitter, where he has been tweeting in increasingly deranged fashion for over 20 hours with no sign of stopping. And if you've survived the rest of this paragraph, you might as well take a gander at Jeffrey Lord flailing away incoherently in the American Spectator. Trigger Warning: the phrase "liberal media" is used eight times.

Vanity Fair spent a few months working on an article about Gwyneth Paltrow that they eventually decided not to publish because word of it leaked and speculation about its contents became too intense, according to Graydon Carter. But the rumor that everyone expected to be included was posted yesterday on tween-angst-drenched virtual sleepover app Whisper, and vouched for by Gawker's former human clickbait Neetzan Zimmerman, who now works for Whisper doing things like this I guess? So, anonymously posted celebrity gossip is the shining future of news, and here is your suicide pill. What you do with it is up to you.

Quantity of Drama Questioned. Book Briefly Successful. Rat Map. Processed Potatoes Provoke Pessimism. Good news: Twitter looks to be debt free in 2714! Bad news: 60 Minutes is completely finished being journalism. Delivery Instructions Unusually Specific. Post-Revolution Menu Published.

Asus and Linksys routers are both exploitable, reports the provably drug-free Farhad. Tindermakes first match in the cold, killing vacuum of space. $15 million for a stupid cartoon app. Tim Draper's proposal to split California into six states is cleared to start collecting signatures. If we can push Silicon Valley into the deepest part of the Pacific, I'm in favor of it. Candy Crush owner King Digital is filing for an IPO just because they're bored, apparently. They don't need anyone else's money—they made $1.8 billion in revenue in 2013. In related news: you people paying $1.8 billion for Candy Crush are sick.

Bret Easton Ellismakes people so mad and I love it. Vice is apparently launching a news vertical, and looking for a copy editor. Former ReadWrite editor Abraham Hyatt says don't even bother, in Romanesko. Solid advice's. Cord Jefferson checks in on the joy of writing for TV which is a magical land where nothing you write ever needs to be produced or read and you still get paid anyway. If any of you need a TV writer, don't be shy now. Answers Not Questioned.

Today's Pie Chart:What are straight white male feminists worrying about?

DO NOT CLICK THIS LINK:I warned you, and I will not be held accountable. It's time you took responsibility for your own actions.

And Then I Was Like:Wheeeeeeeeeeeee

~I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a tab. That's my dream; that's my nightmare. Crawling, slithering, along the edge of an open tab... and surviving.~

"Today in Tabs, the Old Ones say, was forged by Newsweek's hand today. And unto you, by email free, may it ever after be. Blessed be thou and thrice-blessed be thine, in the name of all All Mother and her Children of Darkness."—The Ancient Wiccan Rite of Tabs