Columnists are driving the tabs today: We finally found out what Matthew Yglesias cares about (hint: it's not Bangladeshis). He's even wrong about elves though. Ezra Klein asked the Post for eight figures to start a blog. Sources indicate Post publisher Katharine Weymouth "loled forever" and then texted Jeff Bezos who was also like "omg lmbo!!" and then did eight barrel rolls on his autonomous drone-wings. Klein is currently "on vacation in San Francisco," which is the "sleeping with the fishes" of euphemisms for trying to raise money from stupid people. Somewhat less ambitiously, Nicholas Kristof dropped the D. That's not a euphemism for anything.
Also in the Times, the public editor gives the editorial board a solid back-pat for their brave work, and this letter... just... I don't even care what the answer is, just read the letter. 
So much for the also-rans, because the king of the columnist tabs today is David Brooks writing about his youthful experimentation with marijuana. The only response necessary is Gary Greenberg's wistful reminiscence of "those moments of uninhibited frolic" he shared with Brooks. (NOTE: Greenberg's story is not true. Lots of people forgot that Everything is a Hoax when they read this.)
Today in Smooth Segues Between Columnists and Tech Blogging: Kara Swisher and Walt Mossberg explain to The Wrap how very, very seriously they take themselves. After all, they got their eight figures for a Wordpress site (in your FACE Klein!). But at Re/code the tabs roll on: here's the founder of a bitcoin business explaining why he thinks bitcoin is a good thing in a super-awkward first person plural for some reason. It's not just self-serving, but also wrong in very obvious ways, and it's hard to imagine how a piece could bring less value or credibility to a brand new media venture that's already saddled with a dumb name.
Meanwhile Hamish McKenzie is leaving Pando to do PR for Tesla which means that Pando has an unblemished roster of talentless hacks now. For example, sports-botherer and woman-desk inventor Bryan Goldberg, who wrote something so awful that even Jason Calcanis called him out on it.
Today in Technology: Silicon Valley secessionists are still nuts ("reverse Amish!") and Paul Graham is still terrible.
The tabs have just been relentlessly bad today so far, I truly sympathize. Look, here's Borowitz reviewing Shteyngart's memoir and it's not absolutely terrible to read! That seems like kind of a triumph, right? And here's George Saunders talking about Arthur Miller. The New Yorker so rarely publishes things that are hyperventilate-from-laughing funny, but here is one. And best of all, The Rookie's Tavi Gevinson interviewing Lorde is just fantastic, and should be required reading for every other person who's ever tasked with profiling a teenager. Chris Kluwe's pointedly-titled "I Was An NFL Player Until I Was Fired By Two Cowards And A Bigot" on Deadspin is pretty good as well.
Today in the Antarctic: Ship rescued and expedition saved.
James Franco writes a book report. William Shatner discovers bitcoin. The Olympics are an excuse for graft, waste, and nationalism and it's time to end them. I need a snack #deblasiosnewyork. Ronan Farrow has a cold. And did Kim Jong Un execute Jang Song Thaek using starving dogs? Of course not, come on now, everything is a hoax.