Today in Tabs: Jill Abramson Out as Editor of The New York Times

"Snark" is always an easy thing for the self-righteous tech-bag to whine about when he doesn't want to acknowledge how awful his industry actually is. But Dan Kaplan took it to new heights on Medium yesterday, when he literally compared web snark to terrorism, in an "Open Letter to Valleywag." In his Twitter bio, the frankly unsatirizable Kaplan calls himself a "full-stack marketer" as if that's a phrase that means anything, and also assures us he is known for his "spontaneous outbursts of wit," as if the word "joke" does not exist. Kaplan was inspired by Justin Rosenstein's utterly ridiculous TechCrunch Disrupt speech to attempt this feat of douchery, which turned out so monumental that it has surpassed even the master.

Where Are Things? It's a mixed-up world, and things are everywhere! Some things are inside you, like the parasitic worms that Jasper Lawrence has been experimenting with since 2006 as a cure for allergies and autoimmune syndromes. Here's a post on the state of the art in worm research. Some things are above you, like this toy bounce house that flew away yesterday in upstate New York, sprinkling terrified children across the landscape. I can't even read that story without clenching up, so let's move on to the deep ocean where Woods Hole Oceanographic Institute researchers lost the robot research sub Nereus in a six mile deep ocean trench, presumably to a hungry kraken. And while Nereus is a new piece of human-made garbage in the deepest ocean, don't forget we've littered space with our garbage too. The US House of Representatives held a special meeting of space experts on what to do about it, which succeeded in not deciding anything, including who is in charge of deciding anything. Yes, things are everywhere, but mostly they're parasites, garbage, hurting children, or some combination of the three.

And Now This:

Back-Tabs: Want any more Donald Sterling? Of course you do. Of course you do. Because you're sick, and you know you are. How about Today in Increasingly Recursive T-Shirts, with Macauley Culkin and Ryan Gosling? Soylent had a little thinkpiece boom in the last couple days, for no obvious reason. First an Al Jazeera America opinion hailed it as a potential savior of the world's poor and hungry. But then The Week called it "the draught of tyranny!" Which I don't know about tyranny but it sure sounds impressive when you imagine Winston Churchill saying it. And then John Herrman came at it from his own oblique perspective, comparing Soylent to breakfast cereal. I have to say I eat cereal as dessert pretty often, and I always felt weird about it, but now I won't!

An oral sex robot is trending on Indigogo. Were you all aware of this Shupak/Stelter wedding webshow? It's uhhhhhhhhh... definitely something? Pre-crastication is a word I will certainly find a use for. This kissing simulator was clearly made by gross aliens [via Jay Basher slash Buzzfeed]. The NYTrolls out a radical new re-imagining of the word "humility". The NRA's ham-handed attempt to appeal to Millennials is exactly what you're imagining it would be.

Found in Translation: illustrations for words that don't quite exist in English
by Anjana Iyer

The Good:'Elizabeth,' he squeezed her hand and fondly shook his head. 'It’s a male feminist club. Men only.'"—The Toast, Liberal Dude Erotica. An Elon Green two-fer: short Elon, on the surprise "so my Dad was the Zodiac Killer" memoir that drops today, and long Elon, annotating "Radical Chic" with Tom Wolfe. The Hollywood Reporter has an oral history of The West Wing. Choire talks about the state of the internet (spoiler: the state of the internet is bad). And in case you wondered how Paul Ford spends his sleepless nights, it's looking at military infographics, of course.

Today's Trailer:Selfie, the TV show

Today's Web Toy:Emoji fortunes

Today's Song: Aaron Kuhn, Supreme Court Clouds

~She said there's gonna come a time when I'm gonna have to go with whoever's gonna tab me the hardest.~

Today in Tabs has never been much for conversation, we kinda dig these awkward silences. Find the tabs on Newsweek every day, or I'll email them to you if you give me your email address and answer three riddles correctly. Now let's all go to Twitter and tweet @Rustyk5 who's in?