Today in Tabs: Beezus

New York Magazine would like you to know about 20 people who are famous on the internet for doing things you don't care about, like buying stuff, clicking "follow", or putting on makeup. Modern internet celebrity is uniquely dispiriting, often resting more on freakishness and exploitation than talent, as is the case with obese six-year old punchline TerRio, who might legitimately be in need of child protective services. If the first 20 didn't do it for you, here are 30 more. I don't mean to cast any shade on NYMag here -- the reporting and writing is excellent, it's the phenomenon being written about that is troubling, or maybe troubling-ish? On the other hand, I was informed this weekend that "Vine stars" can make up to $5000 from #brands for a commissioned six-second video. So I guess when I'm making $833 a second you can all cry genuine tears for my dignity, too. Bonus NYMag:Weed on wheels with Dope Girls LA, and 16 Gaps Facing Women Today.

Like a Box of Chocolates: You just never know what you're gonna get from The Atlantic, huh? It's like if the New Yorker and the Huffington Post hooked up and had illegitimate hotel-room tabs. For example: Conor Friedersdorfstraightsplained how gays should feel about Brendan Eich last week. He was called out by J. Bryan Lowder at Slate, which might seem uncharitable, except that Lowder clearly knew his target, because Friedersdorf followed up with a screed in the key of high dudgeon where he characterizes Lowder's umbrage as "war" and responds to the accusation of straightsplaining by literally straightsplaining what "straightsplaining" is. He also links to Andrew Sullivan for backup, which is five yards and still first down by National Cryptoconservative Debating League rules. But then elsewhere in The Atlantic you get things like Will Butler's analysis of Google Glass in light of the stigma attached to assistive technologies, which is a lot more interesting than anything else I've read about Glass in months.

Today in Anybody's Guess: The Wall St. Journal's entire reporting staff says that Square has been in acquisition talks with Google, Apple, and eBay over the last year or so. Everyone involved says they have not ever talked to Square or anyone else and in fact have their mouths stapled shut and aren't capable of language in the first place. Meanwhile Silicon Valley's burn book Secretsays that Square is "a psycho place to work full of psychotic people."

Remember when Terry Richardson corrected the rumors without mentioning what the rumors were or what was incorrect about them? Well these were the rumors, and they're not going away.

I dare you to read the headline "Still Getting Wolf Whistles at 50" over Maureen Dowd's byline and not involuntarily flinch. She's talking about her car. AVClub argues that The Late Show isn't a step up for Stephen Colbert. Its a testament to Lili Loofbourow's talent for visual analysis that I read this whole article about Mad Men's season premiere even though I don't watch the show or have any interest in it. OpenSSL doesn't get enough resources, but don't worry! Libertarian and unpleasant-smelling gun nut Eric S. Raymond is on the scene to fix it! The Egg Huntis probably not what you thought it was.

Today in Oops: Oh, were you looking for thisrifle for the last 8 years? My b."Snowden admits that his question for Putin didn't come out the way it sounded in his head. Reply-All-pocalypses are never not funny. And I'm not sure what these local news anchorsthought the bunnies were going to do.

"Orphaned Squirrel Now Lives in Little Girl's Ponytail" is a real thing that exists. How to Capitalize Your Titles Correctly [via]. Sixteen year old stowawaysurvivies 5 hours at 38,000 feet in the wheel well of a CA to HI flight. Think about that next time your knees are a little cramped in coach.

Today's Game:International Jetpack Conference by @robdubbin and @aparrish

Today's Song: Sean Proper, "Canal Machinery" from his 2013 album Design Engine

~Welcome to the jungle, we get tabs here every day. You learn to live like an animal in the jungle where we play.~

Today in Tabs had a nice break, thank you for missing me. Unless you didn't, in which case I'm glad your life is so complete and satisfying, jerk. Not like you care but we're always on Newsweek and email. Make me internet-famous at @rustyk5.