Today in Tabs: A Man, A Plan, A Hoax, Axes, Napalm, Panama!

The rich are not like you and me. They have a lot of money, for one thing. And the proximity of concentrated money makes them capable of doing things in the brilliant glare of public attention that would make the rest of us curl up and die of shame. Like wearing these pants in the New York Times for example, or saying "I’ve never been to Africa, but I feel like I have this deep affinity for it" years after "Get Him to the Greek." Another thing you can do if you're rich and awful is pay yourself $37,692.31 an hour and blow off work to go sailing whenever you feel like it, while also sticking the city of San Francisco with millions of dollars in losses because of your hobby. Where others see only suffering and human tragedy, the rich are able to see opportunity and profit. When they finish wrecking entire countries and economies, the rich can shrug and take up painting. They can spend more time and money dressing in rags for a concert than most of us spend on clothing for work. And when they get mugged it's a think piece.

Isn't Heartbleed Over Yet? Nope! That "worst case scenario" that Cloudfront speculated wasn't possible took three hours to happen. Director of National Dishonesty James Clapper responded to a Bloomberg report that the NSA has known about and exploited Heartbleed for years with this flat out lie while at the same time Obama was explaining that you know sometimes we might keep security vulnerabilities secret but only for a limited time and really good reasons, which, and I don't say this lightly, is some bullshit no one should believe. If anything good comes of this, it may be the end of the broken-even-in-theory X.509 standard.

Bros & Dolls: Do you have a bro-founder? Even if you don't, read Kate Losse on where the self-creating idea of the "brogrammer" came from [via alt-everything, via self-fulfilling prophecy]. Forget about women in tech (as if we could do that any more comprehensively), who will think of the old dudes? The Russian "living doll" / "racist space alien" is repulsive because she embodies our dominant cultural ideologies so perfectly [via Burroughs / Žižek]. "Mad Men" is middlebrow garbage, and the most notable thing that happened during the season premier last night was this awful Woodford Bourbon ad. Finally, the CNN pregnancy test [via Saturday Night Live, via MH370 died for our ratings].

People Acting Strangely: Caroline Moss: "My Big Fat Beyoncé Dance Class." Man wears a hundred pounds of bees. In Texas, it's "pooping on bluebonnets" season. This is very hard to watch, but an insane Australian person wearing mummified fruit as jewelry ate 51 bananas in a single day. Having failed in every industry it ever tried its hand at, Yahoo decides to give TV a go! "...while [Yahoo] may have (flat) traffic — 700 million global visits a month — and (declining) revenue, it has zero cachet and no discernible way forward." Don't hold back, now, David Carr. In the NY Post: AirTnA. And this might be the dumbest vehicle ever invented if it proves not to be a hoax. By the way, it costs $5,295.

A Few Reasons Not To Give Up On Humanity Altogether: Jess Zimmerman on why girls cut. Hark! a Vagrant's Kate Beaton made a sketch comic about working in the Alberta oil sands called "Ducks." Not ALL Men!"the Tumblr. Mallory shares a series of emails about LinkedIn from a monster, in the Toast. And I'm not not saying I will be spending the rest of my life inside a napsack.

Today's Most Concise Dismissal:lol, irony

Today's Song: Stevie Nicks, "Edge of Seventeen" (for nzle)

~I bit my arm, I sucked the blood, And cried, A tab! a tab!~

Today in Tabs was feeling like some Coleridge today. We can always be found on Newsweek.com and subscribed to by email. I tweet @rustyk5 and @TodayinTabs. Email tips@todayintabs.com. And if you send me any postal mail, include "#501" in the address so they know which box to put it in. I didn't bold the names today, what do you think?