Today in Tabs: Heart Bleat

I somehow stumbled onto this debate where Reihan Salam claimed he was still a neocon in Slate and then Daniel Larison was all "Nuh-uh!" and Salam was like "am so!" and then Ross Douthat and Tom Scocca got involved on Twitter and I can't imagine anyone reading all of that but I just wanted to say it's adorable how seriously these people take themselves, and that it's 2014 and you aren't "neo-" anything, bae.

Looking for a Heartbleed: I was off yesterday to write about Heartbleed for the New Yorker which is why I've had this song in my head for two days, and now so do you (Spoiler alert: I'm not sorry). If you're wondering where you need to change your passwords, Mashable, of all things, has a good list. I endorse the view that the people best-equipped to exploit this bug were the NSA, and they're probably bummed we found it. Some surveillance program with a name like WEASELCHUMP is quietly being shut down right now. Robin Segglemann, the German coder who authored the actual bug, has denied that he did it on purpose, which I completely believe. Clearly the fault lies with reviewer "steve." Nice job, steve. Everybody's all, like, "smh dot com dot au" at steve right now.

Today in Conflicts of Interest:Stephen Colbert will replace David Letterman as host of the Late Show some time next year, and I am pretty excited about that for reasons that are at least 90% self-serving. You can see the think-pieces on this coming like a derecho so I look forward to that tomorrow. Meanwhile it seems like Business Insider might be failing to live up to founder Henry Blodget's renowned ethics.

You're Wrong About Me Being Wrong About You Being Wrong:Jonathan Chait says Jamelle Bouie is wrong about Jonathan Chait being wrong about race in Obama's America. Adria Richards says Clair Cain Miller is wrong about the rest of us being wrong about what technology's problem is. Elizabeth Keenan says Saul Austerlitz is wrong about pop music criticism, while Maura Johnston says Saul Austerlitz is totally wrong about pop music criticism.

This American Lifewants your stories about being high. Let it never be said I don't know my readership.

Cooper Fleishman says we should ban the word "wearables", but I say we should only allow it to be said in the voice of the priest from Princess Bride. "Weawwwwabewwwwes..."

Today in Things That Are Terrible:Your children's names. LinkedIn. Driving. Snakes. Love. Dropbox. Social Media Marketing. Tab. This gif of the horrible dream I keep having, how did they even get that out of my head:

Today in Things That Are Not Terrible:Kevin Maney on harebrained aerial-internet schemes: "Labs are where tech companies put things that don't work."Leah Reich's hilarious story of the time she took gold in the mansplaining Olympics. Lizzie O'Learygetting her own Marketplace radio show, Marketplace Weekend, which will join Marketplace, Marketplace Morning, Marketplace Evening, Marketplace Midafternoon But Not Quite Dinner Time, and Marketplace After Dark in the Marketplace Family of Fine Radio Products. And finally, ok they're ads, but these Rust Cohle parodies are still pretty damn funny.

Today's Song: The Kills, "Night Train"

~How did I find tabs in Europe? With great difficulty.~

Today in Tabs would like to once again thank yesterday's pinch-tabber Jessie Guy-Ryan who stepped in at literally the last possible minute and did a stellar job. You can find us on Newsweek and in your email, and written in a crabbed but almost-familiar hand on weathered yellow parchment, stuffed in the hole in the trunk of that old tree, you know the one, down by the pond where you swam as a kid, when the sky was such a pale blue it was almost white, and it felt like the summer days would never end? It's still there you know, the pond and the tree and that endless summer day and the incongruous sound of crickets in the tall grass, and tabs are there too. We're all waiting for you to come back. Why won't you come back?